What this is

Recovery is hard.  I’ve been at it for a while now and am finally doing some deep work.  I run the majority of the recovery gauntlet, AA, Al Anon and ACA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics).  I’ve been sober (drinking and drugging wise) for nearly 10 years.  This is mainly a place to let out some anguish, hope, inner child feelings and generally be kind of creative.  Being a true ACA, I claim to be creative but mainly admire creativity from a safe distance and have a very difficult time with spontaneity.  It’s rare to see me just doing something without fitting it into my, mostly, subconscious defense mechanisms and ridged inner critic/inner child protection modes (See Laundry List Traits and Other Laundry List Traits on the Adult Children of Alcoholics website if you want to know more).  I guess I’m writing this in the slim chance someone reads it.

I’m going to try not to explain how I think shit works.  I’ll just say it’s working as I think I am in the middle of experiencing real recovery.  It’s been sloooooooow.  Healing has been horrible and releasing and painful and soulful and foreign.  The two posts I have wrote so far are not like me at all, and I like that.  My inner critic sees bad poetry (“your not a poet fuckhead!”) and a guy still weepy about being born.  I’m experiencing pain but pretty grateful right now as I have been doing so much work in ACA, Al Anon, therapy and group therapy.  I have to say that group therapy is awesome.  It’s all experiential (gestalt, psychodrama, grief work, anger/rage work, nurture pieces, etc.).  I’m the only guy in a group of 5 women and it’s been groundbreaking for me.  They say it’s been good for them too and want another guy in the group.  Probably because most of them have father issues and I, mostly, have mother issues.  Go figure.

See how I am, I talked too much about how shit works.  🙂  I’m going to try to stay out of intellectualizing every post. I posted the poem thing (In the head) while listening to Madame George by Van Morrison.  I highly suggest listening to his album Astral Weeks if you need to get in touch with your feelings.  They may not be the feelings you want to touch but Mr. Morrison brings them out with his voice on this genius work.  My stomach aches with feelings when I hear this album.  I need my stomach to ache with those kind of feelings.

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